The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
