I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
