just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
