yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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