seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
