He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wish you could order shots online.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
