my phone needs a breathalizer
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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