I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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