Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Randomize
