Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
