there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
