My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
