just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
