My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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