ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
