Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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