Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
