tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
no, he came in my armpit
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
