Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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