Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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