Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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