you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she smelled like a LAN party
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
