i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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