So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
