My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
