I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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