At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
