Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
