I faked an abortion last night.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I still have a little drunk in my system
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
