I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
