Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
