The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
