nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
