I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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