Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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