roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
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During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
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There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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