I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
