She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize