nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
