Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
