i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
