I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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