apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
