forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Will exercising make me less horny?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
