I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
