by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
