fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
