he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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