My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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