ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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