weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
