I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I love you.
Bad choice
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
