This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
