He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
