I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
