K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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