Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I need moral support for this bender
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
