Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
